Heartless
by BBCRules95
Summary: Tony decides to take out the arc reactor. He can only wish that the procedure was as simple as removing the shrapnel and the device. This is a story of Tony's and Pepper's journey through Malibu to China, through difficulties to happiness. Clearly, I cannot write summaries, but give it a go!
1. Chapter 1

**Here's a little story that Jimenush suggested ages ago. The idea belongs to her, I'm just trying to expand on it and do it some justice. Plus, if there is a particular direction that you would like this to go in, let me know and I'll see what I can do ;)**

**I hope you enjoy!**

There were few things that Pepper liked as much as a cold shower after a long, tiring day. It always helped her think and clear her mind, and she looked forward to some quality time with Tony after the shower. He would always sit on the sofa downstairs, waiting for her with some delicious food, jazz music and his trademark grin, radiating love and affection. Even since Killian almost got her killed, Tony did his best to show his feelings towards her. He no longer ran off to the workshop, even when he woke up in the middle of the night having dreamt about her fall, covered in cold sweat and on the verge of another panic attack. Instead he never hesitated to seek out her comfort and support her in return, knowing that her experience with Extremis left an inerasable trace on her psyche.

This night was different however. The shower was as nice as always, but Pepper emerged from the bathroom to find Tony lying on the bed, clutching a phone in his hand and tapping at the arc reactor absent-mindedly. He remained oblivious as she laid down next to him on the bed, and he turned his head in acknowledgment only when she intertwined their fingers and stroked the arc herself. He tried to smile at her, but it came out more as a grimace and Pepper knew immediately that something unpleasant was up.

'What is it?' she dived straight into the question, knowing that asking if he was ok would be a waste of time.

'Just tired…' he murmured, still trying to keep up his poker face.

'Wow. I'm impressed, you're tired after a whole day of lingering around the house and doing nothing,' Pepper mocked, hoping to lighted up the atmosphere and get Tony to open up.

'I wasn't lingering. I was thinking,' he blurted out, seemingly offended. 'I'm sorry Peps,' he added after a moment of silence. In response she snuggled up to him and stroked his cheek gently, unable to bear how stressed he looked.

'Are you sure you don't want to tell me? It won't hurt, I promise.' That last remark actually managed to bring a smile to his face and suddenly Tony seemed as if he was a few years younger. 'Look, whatever it is, I won't bite. Unless Natashalie and you suddenly decided to…' Pepper didn't manage to finish the sentence as Tony was suddenly pinning her to the mattress and hungrily covering her mouth with his. She responded immediately, her hand travelling up his back to eventually play with the dark locks on the back of his neck. For a few seconds nothing mattered, aside from the warmth of their bodies pressed against each other and the feelings that were expressed without unnecessary words. Tony drew back, looking Pepper in the eyes, saying nothing but communicating all she needed to know.

'Oh God, I love you,' he finally said quietly, and brushed a lock of red hair from her smiling face. 'It's the arc reactor,' he added quickly, slurring the words together and hoping against hope that Pepper wouldn't be able to understand. The expression on her face changed immediately, and she pushed him off herself, straddling him on the bed, so that he wouldn't be able to get away without a proper explanation.

'What's wrong with the arc reactor? I think I am actually going to kill you if you're dying again,' Pepper evidently tried to appear cheerful, but the tears welling up in her eyes betrayed her. She started the sentence in her CEO voice, but the end was hardly audible and came out as a choked sob instead. Tony's heart was breaking. Not necessarily because the device in his chest was malfunctioning, but because he was the one causing Pepper pain yet again. He gently slid her off him, wrapping his arms around her and stroking her hair gently, as she rested her head in the nape of his neck and allowed the panic and grief to overtake her and carry her away.

'Hey, I'm fine. The arc reactor is fine, I'm not dying. Calm down, please.' As much as Pepper hated crying and appearing so weak in front of Tony, she couldn't help but love him even more for how caring and mature he was when he needed to be. He no longer behaved like a spoilt teenager, but like a proper adult who knows what it means to be in a relationship. 'Shhh, I'm sorry I scared you. It's okay.' He rocked back and forth holding Pepper close to him, hoping to give her the physical comfort she needed. It took her a long while to calm down. Whenever the tears stopped flowing, another memory would spring to mind. At first it was Afghanistan, then Vanko and the wormhole. By the time she thought back to the day that their Malibu home crumbled down into the ocean, with Tony potentially buried underneath it, hard sobs were shaking her petite form again. 'God, Pepper…I'm sorry. Listen to me, come here.'

Tony moved into a more comfortable position, sitting up against the headboard and allowing Pepper to lay down on his chest. Her fingers moved to the arc instinctively, seeking confirmation that the device was still where it should be, functioning as it should be.

'I was talking to this guy, Dr. Wu and…um, apparently this thing could come out, like…you know…I mean, if _you_ wanted it to come out.' As always Tony had difficulty explaining things too Pepper without using an excess of specialist terms.

'What do you mean if _ I _wanted it to?'

'I mean that I would no longer be your self-powering night light if you wanted me to get rid of the arc reactor,' he said flatly, trying to come across as funny, like he always did.

'But…why are you asking me Tony?' she sounded surprised to say the least. She had always wished for Tony to become 'the perfect boyfriend', who consults everything with her, doesn't hide in his workshop and doesn't build suits that try to kill her in her sleep. Now, when all this was finally happening, she couldn't help but be mortified because of how unfamiliar it seemed.

'Because the last time I ignored your opinion I nearly lost you. Plus, I really want to do good by you, and isn't this what loving boyfriends are supposed to do?' Pepper was no longer crying and all that was left to do know was bury her face in Tony's soaked shirt and think.

'You blew up all your suits.'

'Yes, I did,' Pepper felt Tony tense up. Whenever the suits were mentioned, he always became a bit uneasy and she kept questioning herself, whether she didn't push him too far.

'I don't want to push you into anything. This is not my decision to make. Besides…is it safe?'

'It should be, yes. This guy is an expert so he'll definitely know what he's doing,' Tony dropped his façade again and sounded deadly serious, almost heartbroken. 'And…I should probably go for it, if you'd rather have Tony than Iron Man.'

'Didn't you say that you were Iron Man? The suit and you are one, remember? If so, I am willing to accept the can as an addition to Tony' she caressed his cheek, covered in a rough layer of stubble. She admired Tony's courage and sacrifice, yes. But she would hate to see him plummet to the ground on the TV yet again or get a call from one of the Avengers, explaining to her why her boyfriend would not be coming home to have dinner. Never.

They remained silent for almost an hour, listening to the sounds of the ocean outside and enjoying the proximity they were allowed to share in the confines of their bedroom. Pepper thought that Tony fell asleep, fearing that he would wake up terribly stiff after spending the whole night in this position, but suddenly he gently lifted her off himself and lowered her back onto the silk covers.

'Where are you going?' she mumbled, fighting her urge to finally fall asleep and leave all the worries behind.

'I need to call our pilot. We're going to Beijing.'

**First chapter done, just a little introduction to get the story going.**

**PLEASE REVIEW if you want to see more. Also if you have any suggestions, you are more than welcome to let me know or scold me for not writing it the way you wanted it ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you so much for the reviews, favs and follows. Your support really means the world to me and let's be honest, what's the point of writing when you know that nobody really cares?**

**Again, just a reminder that the original idea for this story came from the lovely Jimenush, I'm only playing with it ;)**

**I hope you enjoy. If not, have a look at the note at the end of the chapter.**

'Tony, what are you doing?' Pepper asked cheerfully, as she found Tony building a tower out of his t-shirts inside the black, leather suitcase, laying on the bed.

'Um…packing,' he replied wearily, knowing that Pepper must have realised how distant he had become since they decided to go to China to see Dr. Wu a few days back. 'You know, it's just…personal hygiene and all that.' He knew without question how ridiculous this must have sounded, but maybe joking around would allow him to avoid Pepper's worried looks and the unending questions?

'Ok, because you clearly need that t-shirt from a science fair at MIT in '84! And this one,' she picked up a wrinkled greasy tank top from the baggage, 'is a synonym of hygiene isn't it? What was it even doing in the drawer?'

By now it became clear that lying to Pepper was not an option. She was the only person who was capable of seeing the little gestures he made, indicating how stressed he was. Even though she didn't admit it, she probably knew that he woke up every night, clutching the reactor and having difficulties breathing, having dreamt about the feeling of Yinsen's goddamn hands _inside_ his chest.

'Come on, it's a nice shirt and I won the fair!' the only reply he got was a CEO-style glare. 'Alright, so maybe I got a little distracted. I'll put them back into the drawer, see?' he emptied the suitcase entirely, dumping all its contents back inside the wardrobe in an unordered heap. Someone would have to be paid extra for all the ironing, Pepper mused to herself. 'Problem solved.'

Pepper approached him from behind, caressing his waist with her delicate fingers and leaning her head on his evidently tense shoulder.

'How many times do I need to tell you that you don't have to do anything because of me?' she whispered, hoping to put him at ease, but the sound of her voice right in his ear only made him jump, as it had for the last week or so.

'I know…um, thanks I guess. I should really carry on packing. I don't want to be late for the plane.'

Pepper wanted to hold Tony closer and communicate her support through the embrace, but her arms fell uselessly against her sides, eliciting an unintelligible grunt of protest from Tony. He didn't want to be late for the plane? Pepper really feared that the device implanted in his chest was malfunctioning, because why else would Tony suddenly become punctual? Once she regained her composure, Pepper caught Tony's hand in hers and led him to sit on the bed, making herself comfortable on his lap.

'No rush. Remember that. You really don't have to do anything.' He nodded without much enthusiasm, and to Pepper's great astonishment, moved away when she tried to give him a comforting kiss.

He couldn't help himself, but for the last few days everything reminded him of Afghanistan and the damn cave, without proper medical equipment and qualified doctors and anaesthetics and it just wasn't fair. Neither was Obie, when he spontaneously decided to take out the arc reactor, knowing what the consequences would be. Suddenly, Pepper's weight on his knees felt almost crushing, like the cold, hard ground of the Afghan cave. Every cell in his brain was telling him that he would regret pushing her away, but fear is a human instinct, and even the great Iron Man could not confront it, in the face of his greatest demons. He was silently hoping that she wouldn't leave, that she would try to be there for him, no matter what he did or how much he denied that he needed help.

Instead she just left him staring at the spot where she was only seconds ago, still hearing the sound of her footsteps downstairs. That wasn't a good start. After all, the whole point of this was that he was doing it for her, to make _her_ happy. And now she was forced to run away and leave him on his own with his grim thoughts again.

XXXXXXX

_Even as he laid down on the crude table, he could still remember the sight of the Humvee blowing up, he could hear the screams of the soldiers and see their faces, full of surprise and terror. Eventually his own screams blocked it out, but he knew that memories would remain._

_Oh God, what were they doing? Why did they cut him open like this? He didn't do anything! And he even asked them to stop! This was so unfair, so painful, so terrifying. Tony Stark was famed for being a man who loved himself, probably a bit too much, but then and there he really wished that he had never been born. He didn't know whether it was the agony of being cut by dozens of pieces of shrapnel or the fear of what those people would do to him, that scared him more. _

_Somebody suddenly spoke English. That voice was different than all the other ones, that just kept screaming at him in a foreign language and sounded very threating. The voice was telling him to calm down, that it would soon be over, and had a surprisingly relaxing effect on Tony. Then he realised that he knew who was talking – it was Yinsen, the scientist from Gulmira who saved his life and became his friend over those three month in the Afghan cave. Suddenly there was another blast, this one much louder and blinding and without opening his eyes, Tony Stark knew that his only companion was gone._

'_Yinseeen!' he screamed in sheer panic and grief, unable to accept the fact that the only man he trusted back then had left him at the mercy of terrorists, who had almost killed him and tortured him. _

Tony jerked awake with a start in the comfortable leather seat. It took him a moment to realise that he was on his private jet, in the company of Pepper and Rhodey, probably somewhere over the Pacific. They were both staring at him, and no words were needed to communicate how worried they were. The genius quickly replayed the dream in his head, and realised that he must have called for Yinsen out loud. He was thankful when neither of his friends asked questions; they knew him well enough to realise that it would only add to his unease.

Still, Pepper was by his side immediately, having poured him a glass of his favourite juice and set it on the table next to his seat. He didn't know whether to ignore her or not. Her heart was breaking at the thought, but they haven't spoken since the time Pepper found him packing, and left their bedroom having been outwardly rejected by him.

'I'm sorry Peps, like…really sorry,' he was trying to be quiet, and avoid a reprimand from Rhodey later. The colonel had already told him off on a number of occasions, because he hadn't been acting in the most gentlemanly manner towards Pepper.

Apparently she appreciated the sentiment, because she rewarded his apology with a warm smile and a comforting rub on his tense shoulder. Tony breathed a sigh of relief, happy to know that he and Pepper were okay, and that Afghanistan was now only a bad memory. As Pepper was about to go back to her seat, Tony grabbed her hand and pulled her down to sit on his lap. He knew that they would be landing soon and he felt that the moment the plane touched down, there would be no turning back, that he would have to face a new reality, made up of nurses, scalpels and sterile, impersonal rooms. He needed something to hold on to and Pepper didn't seem to mind, so why not? She enjoyed the physical contact as well, resting her head in between his shoulder and neck and feeling his steady heartbeat against her cheek.

'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your pilot. Please, come back to your seats and fasten the seatbelts in preparation for touch-down. We should be landing in approximately 10 minutes.'

Pepper could swear that Tony just stopped breathing for a moment, and then his heartbeat erupted, like one of his science experiments. Pepper was worried for a moment, fearing as always that the change of cabin pressure might have done something to the reactor. One look at his face told her she was wrong: it was evident that Tony was simply terrified. Not because of what had just happened to his heart, but about the things that would happen all too soon. A reassuring kiss on Tony's cheek was Pepper's last effort to comfort him, but even as she buckled up in her own seat, their eyes were locked on each other, to the annoyance of the not-so-romantic Colonel Rhodes.

**I really hope I didn't disappoint. I wrote two versions of this chapter, the other one taking place when they're already in China, so if you think that would be better, I'm more than happy to change it. I aim to please, as Tony once said ;) **

**REVIEW if you want more and let me know if you'd rather have the other version of this chapter, because I think I might have messed up the pacing of the story with that. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you SO VERY MUCH for REVIEWS and your readership. Your support means the world to me. I hope you like this one ;)**

'Mr Stark?' Dr Wu received no reply. 'Mr Stark, are you with us?' Still nothing.

Tony raised his head only when he was pinched on the arm by Pepper. She looked concerned, as she has for the last week or so, but he could also spot the usual annoyance that she displayed during meetings, when he refused to pay attention.

'Yeah, great idea! Absolutely!' he mumbled, without even knowing what question he had been asked. The doctor shook his head, realising that he simply had to ignore his client's erratic behaviour and carry on with his work.

'I was just saying that we will have a bit of a problem with the reactor housing. The ribs seem to have healed all around it, so it will take a bit of work. And a fair amount of time to heal. Removing that shrapnel itself shouldn't be a problem, especially with the equipment that we have here. I just need you to know that this is not an easy procedure before we make this final step.' The man's voice was serious and solemn, and Tony didn't want to admit it, but he could swear that he could detect an ounce of pity in there.

'Dr Wu, I think we've already gone far enough. I'm perfectly aware that it's not going to be easy but,' Tony needed to look at Pepper to remind himself why he wanted to free himself from the arc reactor in the first place. '…but it's going to be worth it. A hundred per cent worth all of it.' He looked Pepper in the eyes, now addressing her more than the doctor. She squeezed his hand in reassurance, and her eyes never left his chocolate coloured ones.

'Doctor,' Pepper spoke for the first time since the meeting started. 'Are you sure that it's safe since…you just said that it's not the easiest of things and I just…well, none of us want anything to happen to Tony, do we?' This time it was Tony who had to provide comfort, by putting on a brave face and trying to shrug it off, as if it was a vaccination or a routine health check, rather than a life changing surgery.

'Come on Pep, Yinsen pulled it off in the middle of the desert in God-knows-where, without any proper medical equipment and here we are now, with _the best_ cardiologist on the planet in one of the most technically advanced clinics out there. I think I will live.' Even though he did manage to pull off a confident tone, his heart was racing as soon as his mind floated back to Afghanistan. Dr Wu just smiled at him, indicating that he appreciated Tony's comment.

'Think about it for another moment, the two of you, and if you're sure that you want to do it, you can find me in my office. I'll leave the papers on the table, so that you can flick through them before you sign,' the surgeon said before raising from his chair. On the way out, he rubbed Pepper's shoulder comfortingly. She was sure he had to do that many times before, in attempt to calm down the terrified families of his other patients. They were both grateful that they were given some time to think it over before finalising the deal. Tony still felt uncertain, Pepper felt more guilty than ever, and the folder laying on the black mahogany table in front of them seemed to be teasing both of them, only aggravating the tension in the room.

Tony pulled it close. He had already made the decision, for Pepper. Even if he has to go through the hell he did in Afghanistan, it was all worth it. He opened the file and looked at the very first page.

Pepper shifted closer to him, so that she could look at the document as well. 'What is it?' she asked, even though she had a feeling she knew already.

'I have to sign it to confirm, that should…ekhem, should anything go wrong we will not put forward charges against Dr Wu, nor the clinic.' Tony's voice was steady, but Pepper was looking at him open-mouthed.

'So you're basically leaving him with the right to do anything he wants to you? And why even…? I thought people didn't usually sign that kind of papers! It's his goddamn responsibility to make sure you're ok,' Pepper raised her voice and Tony knew that things were getting serious, the moment he heard the word 'goddamn'. He hated himself. Hated himself for being unable to satisfy Pepper anyhow: reactor in – problem, reactor out –tears of worry and uncertainty.

'Pepper, I'll be fine. It's not a big deal!' he tried to reassure her, pulling her close to his warm body and allowing her to grasp the front of the jumper he was wearing with her petite shaking hands.

'Not a big deal…not a big deal…' she grumbled in reply, burying her face in his chest and enjoying the gentle caresses of his hands on her body. No matter what the situation, he always managed to relax her somehow. 'Promise me that you'll be fine. Promise,' she asked quietly.

'I, Anthony Edward Stark, solely promise, that no matter what happens, I will always be here, for my lovely Virginia Pepper Potts, and that no armies, villains and especially not doctors will ever stand between us. Happy?' he smirked at her, as she saw a gentle, shy smile appear on her face. He took her hand in his and entwined their little fingers together, looking her in the eyes. 'That's how they do it in Asia, isn't it?' he asked, hoping that the childish gesture would put them both more at ease. 'I asked: are you happy now?' She nodded and before she got a chance to reply properly, her mouth was too busy enjoying the taste of Tony's.

XXXXXXX

There were not many things that could scare Tony Stark, but hospitals were definitely on top of the short list. For some unknown reason, the impersonality of the sterile rooms and blue gowns made his heart skip a bit, as if it didn't have enough problems already. The constant beeping of all sorts of machinery all around the place reminded him that the line of his own life, or Pepper's or Happy's for that matter, could turn flat in a short instant and there was nothing he could do to prevent this.

However, he discovered true panic when Dr Wu led him into the room which would be his workplace the following day. Tony had already handed in the necessary paperwork, managed to calm Pepper down and avoid a panic attack himself, but it didn't make things any easier. He was supposed to check up on the electromagnet hung low over the operating table, that would make it possible for the device in his chest to lose power without killing him. Tony climbed onto a small ladder and examined the machinery carefully. Everything seemed to be working fine, but he still needed to check it a million times over. He liked life, now that it was finally started to look relatively normal, and he also knew that Pepper and Rhodey would be standing behind the glass window during the surgery; he wanted to spare them the horror of having to watch him get cut to pieces by the remaining shrapnel if the magnet malfunctioned.

He tried to keep calm and appear relaxed in front of Dr Wu, but this man was a genius cardiologist, and could probably deduce that a person's heart was racing just by glancing at them. Tony was grateful for the fact that he didn't try to appear comforting or talk him out of this. The man knew well enough that Tony regarded words as nothing more meaningful than just the sounds they were made up of, so comforting would only annoy him more.

The men shook their hands and finally parted for the evening. A car was already in front of the hospital to pick Tony up. He hated the idea that this would be the last night in a while that he would be able to spend with Pepper cuddled against his side. No matter what monsters tortured him in his dreams, she was always there to save him, and now when he would need her most, this sense of security would be denied.

'Hey!' he said nonchalantly as he entered their hotel room a couple of minutes later. Pepper was sprawled on the bed, flicking through a magazine without really paying attention to what the various articles were about. 'Come on Pep, you don't want to tell me that you're still reading this boring crap,' Tony joked, as he picked up the latest issue of the _Harvard Business Review_ and threw it under the bed.

'It's not _that_ boring. Besides, I need to keep myself occupied, unless you want me go completely crazy. Fancy watching a movie tonight?' she tenderly wrapped her arms around his waist, and gently pulled him down, so that he was laying right next to her on the bed.

'Clearly it _is_ boring. And a movie would be great, I might even let you pick,' Tony said in a tone which was clearly too cheerful for the occasion. They were both scared of what tomorrow would bring, and Tony's pitiful attempts at masking it only made the situation worse. Without waiting for any further comments, that would freak them out even more, Pepper dived under the bed to retrieve her laptop and search through their movie library. Minutes later they were cuddled up against each other, leaning against the headboard, watching the opening credits of Wall-E roll on the screen. Yes, they could get the image projected on the huge wall, so that they would get an experience close to that in cinema. Yes, they could rent out an entire theatre to spend a romantic evening there. They could be driven there by a fancy car, wearing fancy outfits and talking to fancy people. But tomorrow Tony would get cut open to have a glowing, self-powering energy source removed from his chest, after it had been put there when he was almost killed by terrorists, after he stopped SHIELD from wiping Manhattan off the surface of the Earth and after he fought an army of Extremis-powered super soldiers. If they were ever to get a taste of normality in their lives, it was tonight.

Pepper didn't even realise when Tony fell asleep. However, it was difficult not to notice the strangled noise he made when she moved to put the computer away when the film finished. His hand travelled down to grip his t-shirt where it was covering the arc reactor, and he suddenly moved away from her, towards the edge of the bed. He lashed out with his free hand, almost knocking down a lamp that had the misfortune of standing on Tony Stark's bedside table. Pepper saw what was coming, she reached out towards Tony to scoop him up into her arms and calm him down, but he made one move too much and landed on the floor with a loud thud, accompanied by a terrified cry.

She was by his side in a matter of seconds, cupping his tear-stricken face in her hands and drawing his rigid body close to her. He tried to calm down, he really did, but he couldn't shake off the feeling that he was being held down against his will, that he was covered in his own blood and surrounded by people who wanted to hurt him, that somebody pushed something into his chest and that it hurt, and that they would never even listen to his pleas for mercy.

Pepper rubbed circles into his back and kept whispering his name into his ear, to give him a sense of security that he obviously lacked at the moment. When he realised that the person holding him down wasn't Abu, but Pepper, he tried to pull away even harder to avoid the humiliation. He used the sleeve of his sweat soaked shirt to wipe the tears off his face and did his best to suppress the choked sobs that wouldn't stop coming from his mouth. He knew that Pepper wouldn't judge him, but those nightmares were becoming way too frequent, and he had hoped that by the time the Mandarin was gone, they would subside.

'It's all right, I know it's difficult. I hate it too. But you will be fine, you always are. Me and Rhodey will be there, you won't feel a thing and then you won't have to worry about it poisoning you again or…whatever else this box of tricks does,' she whispered, without ceasing to offer comforting gestures.

Tony was exhausted after a day full of thinking and preparations and an episode of this sort was the last thing he needed. He should be well-rested and relaxed tomorrow, not half-asleep and panicked. This was just another thing to add to the list of things that could cause problems and get him killed, he though sceptically.

They remained on the floor, Pepper's grip on him even firmer and he let his head fall onto her shoulder, wetting it slightly with the few tears of fear that still made a point of rolling down his cheeks. He wished she could hold him like this forever, or at least until it was all over.

'It'll be fine Tony. You helped Dr Wu engineer this whole thing, it's got to be good then, right?' that last comment managed to bring a half-smile to his lips.

'Well…' he started off, calculating the odds in his head again. 'I suppose, and…I'm sorry. I shouldn't make such a big deal out of it. Really. Yeah, let's go to bed,' he said firmly having cleared his throat. He gently pried Pepper's arms away from him, and holding her hand led her back to bed.

'You don't have to apologise, don't be silly. I hate it too you know…but…we've got through so many board meetings together, we should be fine with this, shouldn't we?' She smiled herself, noticing that the features on Tony's face relaxed somehow. She would usually snuggle into his side and let him wrap his strong arms around her, but not tonight. At first Tony complained, or Tony's manly pride complained to be more precise, but after what seemed like an eternity of convincing, he made himself comfortable in Pepper's embrace, letting her run her fingers through his ruffled hair. He tried not to appear too comfortable in this position, knowing that she wouldn't let him forget it once he got better, but Pepper was simply irresistible and Tony finally drifted off with a content moan on his lips.

Pepper knew she wouldn't be able to get more sleep tonight, and her heart broke at the thought of having to wake Tony up in the morning and hence making him face his great nemesis.

**Honestly, could I not have come up with a more touché ending for this chapter? Sorry.**

**Anyway, I really hope that I didn't mess this up too badly, because your response to this story has been really great and I do my best not to disappoint you. If I did, let me know what you didn't like and I'll turn into a mechanic and fix all the crappy stuff ;)**

**Speaking of crappy stuff, I've been thinking about writing the next chapter, and I'm not sure how to approach the whole 'let's just take the arc out' thing. In the film it didn't seem like they used Extremis, but then how did they manage to patch Tony up? And how would they even take it out, if it must have now properly grown to be a part of his body ( I mean hey, surely his ribs and muscles would have grown back around the arc and they would have to mess him up all over again pretty badly to remove it, wouldn't they?) If there are any medics out there who can make sense of this, I would really appreciate a PM or a review with a word or two of advice. I want to make it as realistic as possible, so help would be appreciated. Unless all of you are comfortable with the traditional cliché of 'and then he knew no more' and the next thing you know is that we wakes up, still in one piece. Sorry about the rant, but I really aim to please the audience and don't want to disappoint!**

**Please let me know what you think about this chapter and if you have suggestions for the next one.**

**REVIEWS are more than appreciated, they motivate me, make my day brighter and constructive criticism helps us all become better writers :D**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry about the long wait. Two reasons A) life takes up too much time and B) whatever I've written for the last month or so seems so badly f**ked up, that I just can't bear to look at it, so whenever I started writing this chapter, I deleted the whole thing and started all over again.**

**If there is anyone out there who waited for this chapter, thank Jimenush. She made me write this, she was the brain and the engine for this chapter (well, and the whole story) so basically a huge thank you and a lot of virtual hugs go to her.**

**Finally, I know that what follows is terribly inaccurate scientifically, but my lovely brain and engine wanted the story to come out like this, so I've broken about a million rules of logic and biology for her. Suck it up, cause she deserves it J**

Pepper had been right. Waking Tony up was hell, for both of them. His terrified, confused brain tried to make him believe that he was back in Afghanistan, about to be ducked under the water again. Having taken a cold shower, he tried to convince her that he was fine, but the journey to the hospital was no better than the morning. He was shaking life a leaf, and pitifully trying to hide it from Pepper. His attempted smile looked like a grimace, plastered to the face of somebody, who had just swallowed a glass of freshly squeezed lemon juice. When they were being driven through Tiananmen Square, he started his philosophical musings on dying and about how it would be better to die fighting for something important, than laying down on a cool table, because of one's own, pointless self-obsession. Only when Pepper spilled a few tears, wetting the sleeve of his t-shirt did he realise what he just said, and tried to lie to her again, about how removing the reactor was perfectly safe and he would be fit as a fiddle in no time. Not wanting to upset her further, he remained silent for the rest of the journey.

Wearing those disgusting, blue hospital gowns was simply stupid. He was going to stink of anaesthetic for eternity. Being perfectly healthy and pinned to a bed was even more stupid. Of course his heartbeat would be faster, of course he would have higher blood pressure. Did they really need to bother him with checking those things? Had it not been for Pepper's half-friendly, half-CEO looks, he would have snapped at somebody long ago. He didn't even realise but suddenly doctor Wu was in the room and talking to him, even though Tony couldn't hear much. He just nodded every now and then, hoping that this was expected from him.

'Shall we get started then?' the doctor asked finally, dragging Tony out of his own little world inside his head. The billionaire nodded tentatively, knowing that his voice might fail him if he tried to open his mouth. He had to bite his tongue when he was told that he wouldn't be walking anywhere himself (something about sterile conditions at hospitals or whatever), to avoid an outburst. He was a grown man, not a baby to be pushed around in his own stupid bed.

'I'll be right next to you with Rhodey, ok? And I'll see you very soon. I love you, Tony,' Pepper said quietly, suffering terribly because of the inability to even kiss him 'good luck'. Health and safety again…Well, if it was Tony's health and safety she would just have to go along with it.

'D-doctor Wu?' Tony whispered, as the man turned to leave the room ahead of Tony and the two nurses. He raised an eyebrow at Tony, indicating for the billionaire to speak his mind.

'Have you checked that…that the…C-can you just knock me out properly…please?'

The question brought confusion to the doctor's face, and Tony had no idea what reaction to expect.

'Of course. I thought we had discussed it Mr Stark.' His voice was calm, but firm and he didn't seem agitated at all, as Tony would expect. 'Is there anything I should know about, that I don't know already?' he added after a moment's hesitation.

One look at Tony told Pepper that recalling what happened when he got kidnapped in Afghanistan would completely send him over the edge. She led Dr Wu to the side, and glancing at Tony every now and then to make sure he was still in one piece, explained to him why the ever-relaxed genius suddenly became so unsure of himself. After a few moments the doctor nodded and headed out of the room again.

'Pep,' Tony whispered, outstretching his hand towards her and mustering an actual whole-hearted smile. 'I love you. I love you. I love you. '

'I'll see you soon Tony, yeah?'

When Tony was nodding in reply, he still made the effort to smile, but once Pepper was out of his sight, the schematics danced in front of his eyes again, the screaming in his head muted all coherent thought and his heart could easily give out here and now because of how quickly it was beating.

XXXXXXX

_The electromagnet, check. The anaesthetics, check. Pepper and Rhodey and Pepper, check. There was something else…something important. Oh yes! Pepper, check. _

'As I said, you should wake up a few hours after we finish. We've checked the magnet again and I can assure you that it's all perfectly safe,' Dr Wu said, intently looking into Tony's brown, worried eyes. 'I'll ask one last time: are you sure that you want to go down this road, Mr Stark?' he added after a moment's hesitation and lack of a reaction from the billionaire. Tony needed to swallow past a gulp in his throat before replying. Not trusting his own body, he decided to nod. He was scared, terrified even, and the tight cuff on his forearm, keeping watch over his heart rate felt heavy and intrusive.

When he looked at Pepper and Rhodey through the transparent screen, he thought he was going to jump off the table on the spot, just to run up to her, hold her in his arms, and promise that it would all be ok, that there was no need to be worried about him. He hated the fact that she was the one reassuring him with that gentle smile of hers. He was a genius, he needed to think of a way to comfort her without killing himself on the way, so a thumbs-up would have to do for the moment. Tony's battered heart almost broke in half, when it was Rhodey who replied to his gesture, because Pepper wasn't capable of doing much, but standing there and having her fingers crossed. Not that he didn't appreciate Rhodey; quite the opposite.

Suddenly, a transparent _something_ appeared right over his head and it took him a good while to realise that it was a mask that would be used to administer the anaesthetics. _Oh God, please work, please work, Yinsen please, make it…Yinsen? What? No! _Anaesthetics, that would leave him unconscious (_please, please, please)_, while all those strangers could do practically all they wanted to do to him…

Tony was terribly surprised when he discovered that his brain seemed to be slowing down somehow. Everything appeared fuzzy, as if he was watching the operating theatre through a plastic bag. He wanted to glance at Pepper one last time, but his muscles refused and he was forced to accept the overcoming wariness and give in to whatever was coming. Tony remembered the moment when he was laying sprawled on his back in the middle of an Afghan desert, covered in dust and his own blood and almost broke into tears when he realised, that maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all…

XXXXXXX

Rhodey wished he could just slump in a nearby chair, fall asleep and wake up some time next month. He would in fact be grateful for the opportunity to do anything else, than stand there with his arm on Pepper's shoulder, staring at his best friend surrounded by a group of strangers in blue gowns and masks, looking as fragile and vulnerable as this skinny fifteen years old kid, that once turned up at Rhodey's first party at MIT and somehow clung on until today.

He felt Pepper's body tremble slightly, when Tony raised his thumb as a sign that there was nothing to worry about, even though the list of possible disasters seemed to go on and on. All he could do for both of them, was to mirror Tony's gesture and attempt a feeble smile himself. When they looked at the EKG monitor, and realised that Tony's heart slowed down and he was asleep, they both felt eerily uncomfortable. The arc reactor casually disappearing from its casing and being placed on a metal tray certainly didn't help. Now Tony was not only unconscious, but also under threat of having his heart cut to pieces! The electromagnet resting above the operating table was activated immediately, and the beat on the monitor remained steady and regular.

xxxxxxx

Dr Wu looked up at Tony's worried friends standing outside and sighed. He hadn't even started properly, and they already looked as if they could pass out with worry right on the spot. He didn't dare look up as he was handed a scalpel and made the first incision. The blood was cleared immediately and the doctor took a break to steady his hands before continuing. He was a professional after all. Three cuts and five curses in Chinese later, Dr Wu was ready to begin the _real_ job. He thought everything out in his head two times over again, before asking his assistant for the little saw he would use to cut through the ribs and sternum, partially holding the reactor housing in place. He needed to measure it out carefully, unless he wanted his patient to remain immobilised for a good while. The quiet murmur of the device calmed him down somehow, and before he even realised it, the metal casing could be removed.

It took him a moment to regain his composure, having realised that he was now facing a patient with a gaping hole in his chest, something he would have to remember and deal with for the rest of his life. Removing the shrapnel would not be as relaxing an exercise, as the previous one. If he made one wrong move, he would send this man, whom he had learned to be cheerful, loving and oh, so very trusting, to his grave. Immediately. Remembering the 'red-headed angel' as Tony called her, that was always by his side, he had a feeling that he would be breaking more than just one heart.

XXXXXXX

Neither Pepper, nor Rhodey realised how many people were in the room, until the moment their view of Tony was blocked. Pepper tensed immediately and Rhodey unconsciously tightened his grip on her arm. All they could see for a moment was a lot of commotion. Dr Wu shouted an order at somebody. Its recipient seemed to pass it on to someone, and moved to the side reaching for some plastic tubing, while another masked person pushed a needle connected to an IV into Tony's arm. Even more people seemed to be gathered around the table suddenly. Now they were all discussing something lively, sometimes shouting orders at a man in glasses, sitting behind a massive machine and intently staring at the screen. Dr Wu addressed the person across from him with a grave expression on his face, the person moved... And Pepper's heart stopped, because the line on the EKG monitor was flat.

Nobody let out a breath for a moment, which seemed like an eternity. Pepper was alternating her attention between Tony and not fainting. Rhodey was making sure that Pepper remained upright and Dr Wu…he just stood there. The bastard just stood there, as if nothing happened! Why weren't they doing anything? Why would they…? Why would Tony…?

The man sitting behind the heavy-looking machine raised his hand suddenly, forming an 'o' with his thumb and index finger. Two nurses stepped away from the table and Rhodey breathed a sigh of relief. How stupid of them…Tony's heart stopped but the machine would keep him alive for the foreseeable future. Pepper seemed to realise the obvious as well, because her body became less tense and she snuggled closer to Rhodey. He smiled at the thought that had Tony been awake, he would probably leave the room and punch him right on the spot.

XXXXXXX

Now came the really difficult part. One wrong move. One dead body.

The other doctor- Ho Yinsen, that Stark had mentioned had been right. Removing those few remaining pieces of shrapnel would be hellishly difficult and dangerous. Another deep breath was in order, somehow made difficult by the surgical mask, and the show had to go on. Putting it off wouldn't be good for anyone.

The first piece was relatively easy. With proper lighting, a number of helping hands and tools necessary to remove the blood that would otherwise make work impossible, it almost seemed like a freshman year assignment at med school. Wu still couldn't help but admire Yinsen for managing to achieve the result that he had - in a cave.

The second and third pieces were not so difficult either. They were closer to the heart, but now that it was still, steady hands were enough to save the day, and possibly Stark's life. Once doctor Wu created a regular rhythm for himself, it was much easier to work. The beginning was stressful, very stressful indeed, but now the only feeling in the room was concentration, no longer the what-the-hell-am-I-doing kind of panic.

Then came the last piece. The last piece that made Dr Wu believe in the existence of the devil and his evil minions. The last piece was pressed against the wall of Stark's heart. Not exerting any pressure, which would have killed him instantly, but resting there and being a constant threat. A landmine waiting to explode at the slightest touch. It was also far larger than any of the pieces he had had to remove so far, which made him concentrate harder still.

Wu reached out for the piece of shrapnel with the metal instrument in his hand. His assistant was readily waiting by his side, to drain away any blood that would be an obstacle in working. The first thing he needed to do, was to move it slightly to the left, so that the slightest of his movements wouldn't make the damage done to Stark's heart irreparable. The damn thing was lodged firmly in the muscle, and a single miscalculation would still have dire consequences for the billionaire. Dr Wu cursed loudly when he realised that the x-rays hadn't showm them one important thing: that getting rid of this one piece of shrapnel was practically undoable without damaging the muscles in Stark's chest further. The doctor was stuck between a rock and a hard place. He would either have to immobilise the man for a good few weeks, by cutting through the muscle to get the metal out, risk damaging the heart by trying to move the shrapnel as it was, or have to face Stark when he wakes up with a piece of metal in his chest, just to tell him that he couldn't fulfil the task given to him. Forget it, the latter wasn't even an option…

He needed to think and think quickly. He wouldn't dare raise his eyes to look at Stark's partner and his friend. He for sure wouldn't be able to look up at them after the surgery was over. There was no easy way out, maybe no way out at all. Dr Wu felt something bizarre, that he had never experienced in his entire successful career. Was it…guilt? Throughout his whole time as a doctor, he had never made a miscalculation, let alone a full-blown mistake that could cost someone their life. How could he be so stupid, so naïve, so…

…disorientated. It took only a little distraction and a mere second for his hand to slip. Not only his hand, but also the instrument held in his fingers and keeping the piece of metal in a safe position….Not any longer. Dr Wu felt it rather than saw it, and he feared what he would see when he looked carefully. _Come on put yourself together. On three. One, two…_

_Oh, God. Please, no…_

**I hoped you liked it. My existential crisis has turned into a writing crisis, so I'd really appreciate your opinions. They really mean the world to me ;)**

**In other words, please REVIEW. I already have my lovely brain and the engine, but now I need some fuel to make the machine work faster and reviews are fuel! **


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